June 23, 2015 (9:50 pm)
I know that most people reading this are going to see this newsletter and article as something very different than what I usually write about! Although not as much, I am still coaching women entrepreneurs 40+, so they become empowered and can create success and financial freedom in their lives, however, I am also passionate about sharing topics that can help people to grow on a more personal level and how to do it much faster so you don’t have to wait, as I did, until you are in your 40’s to start dealing with negative mind chatter that might be sabotaging your business, relationship and life.
Through working with clients over the last 20+ years and my own journey, I’ve heard many stories and helped people work through many challenges often because they were actually actually living their parents lives without realizing it.
You don’t come into the world with fears and doubts or expectations and entitlement issues, you learn them. From family, society, school and the world in general! As you learn, not knowing any differently, what you see and hear as a child creates the story so you become an adult living life from that place.
When you see people who only seem able to talk about past issues or the negatives in life, you are seeing someone who has made a choice on an unconscious level to live life as a ‘victim’ of their situation or/and circumstances.
There are very few people to whom this doesn’t apply! You may unknowingly be taking that position and often over the years when I’ve pointed that out to people, they are able to change their thinking and break negative behaviors. So…How does the typical ‘victim’ mode portray itself.
These are just a few examples:
• Blaming other people for your lack of contentment and happiness
• Thinking that you are entitled to be treated with respect even when you don’t treat others this
• Continually talking about the terrible experiences you’ve had or the horrible things that have
been done to you.
• Not looking at what you do have but focusing only on what you don’t have.
• Gets very defensive about their position
• Keeping secrets because they’re afraid of someone’s reaction.
• Using passive aggressive behavior! Silence or a sour face in order to punish and make other
• Has to have control over what other people do because this is what feels powerful.
• Thinks they have the ‘come first’ never mind the cost.
The last three are actually the behaviors of an abusive personality. Depending on your own level of personal growth work, you may or may not be able to see yourself in any of the above. ‘Victim’ mode doesn’t just mean you are an abused wife, a bullied child or alcoholic/addict, nor does it mean you are a ‘bad’ person. Remember, this is a learned behavior so that you can feel OK in the world. It applies to people who are not able to live fully in the present moment and constantly in one way or another brings up something negative from the past looking for sympathy.
I’ve been in that place. My Mother was a battered wife who thought using passive aggressive behavior would punish those around her. My Father was a rageaholic and compulsive gambler. Both of them were abusive emotionally to us as children.
As I grew into an adult, from their role modeling, I became a fearful, lacking in confidence woman who wouldn’t say boo to a goose and what other people thought of me became a top priority so I would do almost anything to please other people.
It’s great to have wonderful memories and of course there are many things you want to remember but whatever negatives have happened in the past is just that, it’s in the past and if you are still blaming your parents or other people for where you are as an adult then you probably have a lot more work to do in the area of personal growth.
You have the power of choice and are the only one responsible for how you feel, behave or think.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic. Please feel free to leave a comment if you wish.